Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
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The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Beware of the dog..
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.