Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
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my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money