Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
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Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Don’t talk down to me
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.