Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
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If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
real
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST