This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
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I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”