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Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Perfect.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
a lot to unpack here
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’