You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
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Lmao the reply
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.