“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
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Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Plumber: I think I found the problem
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
#NeverForget
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.