Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
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Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
I found your tweet-up…
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
two people or more is called a problem
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701