I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
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WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
based al yankovic
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
hey, alexa
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?