*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
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I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.