Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
You Might Also Like
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*