It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
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*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.