Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
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i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.