The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
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Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
My purse is deeper than some people.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?