so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
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dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously