Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
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3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Received some very disappointing news today
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?