If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
You Might Also Like
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Somebody’s lying.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
So creative 😂
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.