Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
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I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???