Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
You Might Also Like
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
This is a bad sign
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?