That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
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Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
You deplete me
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.