Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
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I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one