There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
You Might Also Like
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv