Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
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DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
the last thing a carrot sees
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.