Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
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[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
scrabbled eggs
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.