Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
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The absolute effort that went into this omg
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Smells like a challenge to me
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ