[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
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this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Free him
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time