Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
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Me: Frank
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M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
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Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
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@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
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So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
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Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
me: what makes you angry
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*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
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Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–