Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
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Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!