*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
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7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.