Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
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Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.