But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
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My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.