Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
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Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.