volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
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Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Anyone want a chair?
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”