Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
You Might Also Like
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
me, too, girl. me, too.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Knock Knock
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.