[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
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WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.