I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
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*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
yeah not falling for this one
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
what’s more important?
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.