Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
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Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.