All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
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7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
ok hear me out: Luigiana
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development