darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
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Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Geez man, take it easy.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
podcasts
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.