good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
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so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
this is the best interaction on twitter
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Worst perfume name ever.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Sunday
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there