-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
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I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.