After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
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At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind: