[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
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ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.