That’s it.I’m out.
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person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
if you ever think that you鈥檙e having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i鈥檓 $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I don鈥檛 understand why you鈥檙e all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone鈥檚 life support. That鈥檚 the real American dream.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he鈥檚 pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he鈥檚 walking away
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect鈥攕he鈥檚 got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that鈥檚 right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Always 馃ゴ
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can鈥檛 live in it but enough so my kids don鈥檛 get out of bed in the middle of the night.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
All I鈥檓 saying is that I鈥檝e chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you鈥檙e definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.