PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
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Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent