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[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*