The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
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Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.