The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
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Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
this came to me in a vision
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-