I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
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Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Animal poetry
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.